I turn to food

Phone calls at three a.m. are never good. The call I received Saturday morning was no different: someone had broken into my house. It wasn't until 7:30 that morning that we realized the full extent of everything. They took my tv, heirloom jewelry, my digital camera ... and Kevin's car.

Needless to say, it was a bad weekend.

Kevin and I were in Texas for an annual family party and to meet my grandfather's fiancee. When this happened, we cut the trip short and left after meeting my soon-to-be-step-gma. We drove back home on about three hours of sleep, stressed and freaked. I made a couple of Facebook updates about the situation and was stopped short by a comment my cousin's wife made.

"I'm so sorry. I hope all the positive changes you have made in your life help you to deal with this stressful time."

That got me thinking about my natural reaction to stressful things. 

When Kevin and I finished breakfast with the family, we drove about half an hour and stopped to use WiFi and take care of a few things online.  It was noon by this time and we'd been up since 9 hours with only three hours of sleep. All I could think was: I need a milkshake.

Honestly, I think that instinct comes from baby-hood when our parents hand us a bottle to stop our crying. I just wanted to curl into a ball and alternate sucking my thumb with sucking a chocolate shake. All while rubbing my ear lobe. 


When in times of stress, clearly I turn to food. 


Just add that to the list of things I need to handle ... including two different insurance adjusters, finals, final papers, summer financial aid, starting paperwork for summer jobs, my grandfather's upcoming wedding and my own sense of self-worth that is teetering thanks to all of the above.

Accountability is key

Updating my weight on the blog this morning was one of the hardest things I've had to do lately!

I weighed in at 149.6 pounds and that is ... BAD.

Since a big part of 50n50 is accountability, I posted the number on the blog - though I was very tempted to "forget." The first step in the 50n50 process was admitting my weight. Having it out there, for the world to see has been a big motivator. I can't stop being honest now - no matter how ashamed of myself I am.

It's only going to be up there a week. And maybe I needed a shocking number like that to reiterate how important it is to make good, educated decisions all day, every day.

I won't allow anymore self-loathing to enter this game, either. It would be easy to say "Forget it! I give up" and go to McDonalds for a McGriddle, but I'm worth more than that! I may not measure my destination by where I started, but I sure can measure my worth by how far I've come! And baby, I've come too far to turn back now.

So, today I weigh 149.6. But that won't be the case next week. You'll see. 

"Yardstick ninja"

I've expressed my frustrations lately to several people and they all said the same thing. "Look how far you've come." And then they suggested that I don't need to lose any more weight. I disagree.
I don't know how else to get it through to people - myself included - but whenever I step on the scale and see a number above 145 I get pissed at myself. I didn't lose 50 pounds just to gain even a single pound back! I worked my tail off - literally - over the past year to get healthy. Whenever that scale says anything more than 145, it means I'm not healthy. 

Everyone needs a yardstick - something they use to measure themselves and monitor their status. If we don't have something to use, then we won't know when things are going well or when they are going to shit.  I chose the BMI scale as my yardstick and anything above 145 is unacceptable because that is an overweight BMI for my height.

Call me a "Yardstick ninja," but I don't want to weigh more than 145 again. It's not about where I started. It's about where I am at this moment. Maybe I don't need to get down to 125, but if you look at my weight this week (146), you'll see that I am "overweight" according to my yardstick.And that is unacceptable to me.

I don't like the idea of beating myself up over a pound. It sounds mentally unhealthy, right? But 145 is the absolute top end for me when it comes to weight. Weight naturally fluctuates by a pound or two in either direction. Because of this, I feel like I need a buffer. Do you understand? I want to feel like it's okay to fluctuate by a few pounds throughout the month (or even throughout winter!) and not feel like I'm playing yoyo with my health. I hate being healthy one day and overweight the next. I don't want to feel overweight ever again.

I feel like a broken record saying this, but clearly I still need to hear it. I've been talking about this damn buffer since November and I'm still stuck seeing numbers on the scale that make me overweight.

I'm coming to terms with the reality of my new self. As I'm letting myself admit that I hate running and love chocolate and trying to work out a lifestyle that takes these things into consideration, I am beginning to feel like myself again. I'm beginning to feel back in control and calm about my goals. So, I won't weigh 125 by mid-June. I'm ok with that, so long as I'm done weighing more than 145!

And with that, calorie counting is back! Tomorrow's weigh in will be icky - but it's the start of a new week and I'm totally ready for it!

Today, I consumed 1385 calories, 202 carbs, 32 grams of fat, and 83 grams of protein.

Facing Facts

May 2009: The weekend I was accepted to law school.

When I started the 50n50 journey, I had a plan. First, I altered my diet.  Then, after I lost about 25 pounds, I added physical activity.

I think it was this decision that ultimately led to my success. I first became accountable for my diet and then adjusted that diet to take care of my body's needs as I added physical activity. As things progressed, I saw the importance of diet - not just in weight loss, but in fueling your body.

Getting control of the diet first was key for me. Otherwise, I know how I would have acted: "Oh I walked 5 miles today, that means I can have ice cream without feeling guilty." But by the time I was walking 5 miles at a time, I knew my body needed protein and carbohydrates to fuel itself and would snack on something that would feed those needs. (Sure, maybe it was frozen yogurt, but I chose it for the nutritional values AND the taste, not just the taste!)

Now that I've hit a new wall, I have to face facts: I can't keep losing weight by diet alone.

Sure, you might say "duh" but there are times when I'm slow to see things - especially when I'm overwhelmed with school and work. I've been watching my numbers fluctuate between 141 and 147 since the moment I hit my goal weight. And, strangely enough, it was the moment I hit 145 that winter came to Kansas City and I stopped working out. Yes, I've let my discipline slip a bit and have an extra sweet more often than I should, but that's something that should be okay at this point. If this is the eating lifestyle I want to maintain, then I've got to get the physical part in check.

And it's not going to happen today, tomorrow, or next week. I have to be realistic. Here's the thing: I am overwhelmed with school this semester and am having a really hard time taking care of my responsibilities as it is. I honestly don't think I can fit exercise into my routine. Please understand it is REALLY hard for me to admit that I can't do everything I want to do right now. Really hard.


That said: I have another plan (of course I do!). School ends in 4 weeks. And with that comes a new routine! I'll be working in Kansas City and won't have to commute to campus (about an hour) all summer. I won't be taking classes so there won't be a lot of reading assignments to finish each day and I'll probably be quitting my job. So, as soon as I take my last final, I will be back out there - pounding the ground with my books on tape and getting physical.

I just have to make it through the next month. I walk to work on the weekends and do what I can when I can, but I'm going to stop sweating my lack of sweating. I have to - otherwise I'm going to go all kinds of crazy. Priorities shift sometimes, but it's all for the ultimate goal of becoming the best version of me I can be. And that includes finishing law school!

Put the chocolate down

I wish I could say I came back after vacation my new "usual" self - full of willpower and a renewed energy to maintain my healthy lifestyle.

Sure, I started my gym membership and had a pretty positive fitness evaluation (27.5% body fat is my best score ever!), but I missed my first session because a law school commitment took more time than I expected.

Also, I've eaten my weight in chocolate over the last week - at least.

First, Kevin's birthday was Thursday so I made him a pretty sunflower cake - at his request. I used my pumpkin trick and made it low fat, but the icing and buttterscotch chips (not to mention the Peeps) that topped it certainly weren't. Sure, it's about 180 calories a serving (entire cake is 20 small servings), but I ate AT LEAST 8 servings between Thursday and Sunday. I had two servings as breakfast Friday!

And don't even get me started on the leftover icing that I ate like it was going out of style - literally sticking my fingers in the jar at least half a dozen times Friday alone.

Then, Friday night at work involved checking the grocery department for expired foods - and a lot of chocolate was outdated and subsequently opened for our enjoyment. Officially, Cadbury's Picnic bar (with raisins and caramel) is the best candy bar in the world.

Guys, things were so bad, even Kevin turned to me and said "Are you ok?" I was gorging on so much chocolate I think he almost felt compelled to buy a pregnancy test just to allay his concerns regarding this unusual behavior. (I'm not, don't worry)

Now, it is the theory of my "trainer" that my body is craving sugar because a lifestyle like mine - 18 months of only 1300 calories a day - has possibly caused a low blood sugar issue. But I think that's crap. Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) doesn't lead to cravings, it leads to much more serious symptoms that include trembling, clammy skin, headaches, and eventually seizures and coma. It does not include nonexistent willpower. Nope, this is nothing but a mental issue. And possibly a dehydration issue.

I read somewhere, years ago, that most times when we think we are hungry, we are actually just thirsty. Apparently, before engorging on a random snack, it's best to drink a glass of water, wait a few minutes and then evaluate whether you are still hungry. But I haven't been doing that - I've been going straight to the choco-crack.

And last night I figured out why: I'm bored with water again. I'm craving flavor and water just ain't doing it for me. It's a hard dilemma too - for every article you show me that says tea and coffee don't cause dehydration, I can show you another that says they do.

It just seems best to just stick to water. Sure, there is Gatorade and Powerade .... but those are meant to replenish nutrient loss like potassium and sodium after sweaty exertion, not to substitute h20. Besides, other problems come into play with each of the other favored "water-based" drinks like tea, coffee and sodas. So, what do I do? I'm not sure yet, but short of developing a chocolate water drink (we sell chocolate tea, by the way and it has me very intrigued), I need to find a solution soon.

Otherwise, I might slip into a chocolate-induced coma ... and that definitely wouldn't be because of low blood sugar! I did finally throw that cursed container of chocolate icing into the trash last night. And I woke up this morning feeling a bit less loosey-goosie and more in control of myself. Here's hoping!