Reflections on reflections

I have a huge picture window in my living room. Mainly, my dog uses it to survey the neighborhood - watching and waiting for anything amiss. On relaxing weekend mornings Kevin and I sit on the deck in front of the picture window and read, study or blog.

This morning, as I returned to my chair from refilling my coffee, I happened to catch my reflection in the window. I had to double take. Is that really me?

For more than 10 years I have been a size 16 (give or a take a bit) so seeing myself almost ten inches smaller in the waist, a couple of cup sizes smaller in the bust and leaner in the legs has taken some adjusting. Often, I focus on the problem areas - my huge calves, my round face, my large derriere. But sometimes, like today, I get caught off-guard and the insecurities take a moment to catch up to me. Other times, I just stare at my legs and marvel at the idea that they actually belong to me. They are so much thinner than I ever remember before!

Of course, the insecurities aren't far behind and I suddenly start thinking about how I really want to look. The tight abs, the cute, pert bust, the shapely, yet trim butt - and I wonder if I will ever be able to look as good in real life as I imagine in my dreams. But, on days like today, I'm able to focus on the progress I've made and see my body for how it really looks, not how the monsters in my mind twist things.

Hot or not

Ok, so last night was the Barrister's Ball, affectionately known as "Law Prom" and I bought a great dress a few weeks ago just for the occasion. By last night, it was already too big in the top, but the rest fit well so I worked it.

I rarely wear such form-fitting clothes, but the gays in my life approved and said I looked hot.

I look at this picture and see good and bad. I don't really know what my body shape was prior to losing almost 20 pounds (because I never wore such form-fitting clothes). But I know I like what's going on with my waist and my collar bones, however, I can't stop staring at my gargantuan calves and thighs!

I really understand a lot more about the mentality of anorexics who, weighing 80 pounds, still look in the mirror and see themselves as "fat." It's happening so gradually that I am not necessarily taking note of all the progress - I just see the stuff I still want to change.

I need to take some "Biggest Loser" photos. I need to put on the black sports bra and leggings and take an honest photo of what's going on with my body. That way I have something to compare myself to as I continue this path. I probably won't post it until the end, but it will be good to have.