Git' 'er done

My fridge has a to-do list magnet on it with paper notes below it for making lists. On it, my boyfriend wrote, "Too many things. See digital list."

Natalie tells me that it is an achievement in itself to maintain consistent weight. I'm mostly within the same weight as when I started this two years ago with Natalie. She has made significant strides and changes in her life and shown a great deal of courage and commitment. I have been caught with the rigors of life, unable to maintain consistency with any aspect of life.

I complete my term as President for the Austin chapter of AIGA, the professional association for design this month. This has been a rewarding and demanding experience, challenging my calendar in creative ways. I've had dozens of lunches and evening activities during this role and they're taking their toll on my body. I am always planning to get to that workout routine, but have yet to achieve this. So, in the midst of relationship turmoil, I created ME resolutions. I missed New Year's celebrations, so it seemed appropriate. I divided the upcoming time in to "quarters." Now, I near the end of the first quarter and look dimly on my achievements. Everything is in progress and yet to be achieved.

That does not mean my schedule was wanton for activity. Indeed, much has occurred. My mom started dating for the first time in twelve years, became engaged, and is now to be wed this weekend. I did start a company also, The Underwater Designer. I have done three trips under this company, Utah, Florida/Alabama, and Louisiana/Mississippi. Those have happened already, though the website is sorely needing updating! Again, not for lack of commitment, but rather because I have been tending to client work that developed from my initial launch.

And so, I move forward, hoping not to be too hard on myself, but rather give myself credit for what I have achieved and also to knuckle down on commitments in their respective priorities. I hope to at least establish a workout routine, finish a book I started a year ago, finish my big painting, get the poster for sale that is now finally complete and framed, and finish my current client project.

I turn 30 this coming July. This work will be done before my party as that is a set deadline. By then, perhaps my body will start agreeing with me and running will trim me back down.

Fast food and me

Morgan Spurlock speaking on May 6, 2011.

Last Friday, I attended a media law seminar and got to listen to Morgan Spurlock talk about some behind-the-scenes stuff regarding his movie "Super Size Me."

I hadn't seen the movie, but after seeing clips during Spurlock's talk (he loves and REALLY appreciates his attorneys, by the way), I decided to watch the documentary on Hulu.

I wish I could say fast food wasn't a big part of my diet before I decided to focus on my health, but of course, I'd be lying.

Mom tried to teach me better habits - she hated McDonalds and rarely took me - though I remember a few episodes of pretty amazing begging following my epic tantrums. No worries, though, I got my Happy Meal fixes from other relatives ...

Fast forward a few years and I have flashes of memories from the last decade of life on my own: Shakes at Jack In the Box with boyfriends; Mucho Nachos from Taco Bueno for a normal dinner; 16 oz. cups of crinkle cut fries and a 20 oz Coke from Del Taco after a bad day(s) at work; Sausage McGriddles for a weekend breakfast; Potato wedges covered in cheese, bacon and sour cream from Jack in the Box after a night of drinking; Arby's curly fries for a snack; Wendy's fried chicken sandwiches for lunches ... The list could go on and on (Don't even get me started on the sodas).

Man, I ate horrible things way too often in my life!  During one particularly hard summer right after my boyfriend and I split, I remember eating McDonalds at least 3 nights a week and possibly as many mornings. At that time, I'd lost my desire to do anything but eat and sleep. I did a lot of both things, sadly.

Thank goodness my habits are much improved, but it was slow-going. I had a dependency on fast food. It was fast and "cheap" and I was short on time and money. I never planned my meals and when I was too tired to cook, I'd stop somewhere. My story is the same as most Americans, sadly.

As one who eases into dramatic things such as entire life changes, I treated fast food as I treated other dietary changes. I knew I needed to cut it out, but I also felt like I needed it as a crutch for those times when I didn't have the time or energy to cook. When I started 50n50, I worked fast food into the plans. I kept a list of meals I could order at various restaurants that were less than 500 calories. I recommend it to most people also - it was a great way for me to start out on the quest for better living.

Slowly, I learned healthier ways to eat fast and cheap. I learned to plan my meals and work with a meal budget. Now, I cook enough for 2-4 meals all for the cost of a "value meal." I haven't completely cut out fast food, but it's more like once a month now - if that (I hate to admit it, especially after watching "Super Size Me," but I still love Chicken McNuggets!).



This evening while watching Spurlock's documentary,  I thought to myself, "When was the last time I even ate fast food?" And then I remembered when ... not two hours ago! Kevin and I walked up there for ice cream ... Hmmm.

Crunch Time!!!

It's a boy version of me as an M&M!!!

Finals are here and that means one thing: Crunch Time.

Figurative meaning: My first exam is tomorrow so I am in the final hours of cramming and prepping for whatever essay hypotheticals my professor can create surrounding Sports Law and Regulations. I'm a good sport, so I'm game.  Hardy har har.

Literal Meaning: You've heard me say it before ... I get the munchies when I get stressed. Well, today is my day of vindication. Turns out, it's completely normal and necessary!!! Oh yes, finally(!), a food-related "issue" I don't have to solve.

"See, the urge to eat when situations get hairy is an evolutionary instinct triggered by certain chemicals," according to my daily Eat This, Not That email (delivering info from both Men's Health and Womens" Health). How do they know exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it?

Thanks to the peeps over at Women's Health, I now have a list of things to eat (and drink) to handle various forms of stress. As suspected, fruit is a good one. But surprisingly so are M&Ms!!! Yeah, I bought a bag of the recommended peanut variety with lunch. Haha.

I also have a big bowl full of apples and oranges. Plus, a bunch of bananas. There might be some grapes left too ... those usually go pretty fast thanks to the same oral fixation that takes over whenever someone opens a bag of chips. 


Anyway, as part of the literal crunch time, that's all I have time to write. But check out the link for the lovely tips for boosting serotonin, etc!

I turn to food

Phone calls at three a.m. are never good. The call I received Saturday morning was no different: someone had broken into my house. It wasn't until 7:30 that morning that we realized the full extent of everything. They took my tv, heirloom jewelry, my digital camera ... and Kevin's car.

Needless to say, it was a bad weekend.

Kevin and I were in Texas for an annual family party and to meet my grandfather's fiancee. When this happened, we cut the trip short and left after meeting my soon-to-be-step-gma. We drove back home on about three hours of sleep, stressed and freaked. I made a couple of Facebook updates about the situation and was stopped short by a comment my cousin's wife made.

"I'm so sorry. I hope all the positive changes you have made in your life help you to deal with this stressful time."

That got me thinking about my natural reaction to stressful things. 

When Kevin and I finished breakfast with the family, we drove about half an hour and stopped to use WiFi and take care of a few things online.  It was noon by this time and we'd been up since 9 hours with only three hours of sleep. All I could think was: I need a milkshake.

Honestly, I think that instinct comes from baby-hood when our parents hand us a bottle to stop our crying. I just wanted to curl into a ball and alternate sucking my thumb with sucking a chocolate shake. All while rubbing my ear lobe. 


When in times of stress, clearly I turn to food. 


Just add that to the list of things I need to handle ... including two different insurance adjusters, finals, final papers, summer financial aid, starting paperwork for summer jobs, my grandfather's upcoming wedding and my own sense of self-worth that is teetering thanks to all of the above.

Accountability is key

Updating my weight on the blog this morning was one of the hardest things I've had to do lately!

I weighed in at 149.6 pounds and that is ... BAD.

Since a big part of 50n50 is accountability, I posted the number on the blog - though I was very tempted to "forget." The first step in the 50n50 process was admitting my weight. Having it out there, for the world to see has been a big motivator. I can't stop being honest now - no matter how ashamed of myself I am.

It's only going to be up there a week. And maybe I needed a shocking number like that to reiterate how important it is to make good, educated decisions all day, every day.

I won't allow anymore self-loathing to enter this game, either. It would be easy to say "Forget it! I give up" and go to McDonalds for a McGriddle, but I'm worth more than that! I may not measure my destination by where I started, but I sure can measure my worth by how far I've come! And baby, I've come too far to turn back now.

So, today I weigh 149.6. But that won't be the case next week. You'll see. 

"Yardstick ninja"

I've expressed my frustrations lately to several people and they all said the same thing. "Look how far you've come." And then they suggested that I don't need to lose any more weight. I disagree.
I don't know how else to get it through to people - myself included - but whenever I step on the scale and see a number above 145 I get pissed at myself. I didn't lose 50 pounds just to gain even a single pound back! I worked my tail off - literally - over the past year to get healthy. Whenever that scale says anything more than 145, it means I'm not healthy. 

Everyone needs a yardstick - something they use to measure themselves and monitor their status. If we don't have something to use, then we won't know when things are going well or when they are going to shit.  I chose the BMI scale as my yardstick and anything above 145 is unacceptable because that is an overweight BMI for my height.

Call me a "Yardstick ninja," but I don't want to weigh more than 145 again. It's not about where I started. It's about where I am at this moment. Maybe I don't need to get down to 125, but if you look at my weight this week (146), you'll see that I am "overweight" according to my yardstick.And that is unacceptable to me.

I don't like the idea of beating myself up over a pound. It sounds mentally unhealthy, right? But 145 is the absolute top end for me when it comes to weight. Weight naturally fluctuates by a pound or two in either direction. Because of this, I feel like I need a buffer. Do you understand? I want to feel like it's okay to fluctuate by a few pounds throughout the month (or even throughout winter!) and not feel like I'm playing yoyo with my health. I hate being healthy one day and overweight the next. I don't want to feel overweight ever again.

I feel like a broken record saying this, but clearly I still need to hear it. I've been talking about this damn buffer since November and I'm still stuck seeing numbers on the scale that make me overweight.

I'm coming to terms with the reality of my new self. As I'm letting myself admit that I hate running and love chocolate and trying to work out a lifestyle that takes these things into consideration, I am beginning to feel like myself again. I'm beginning to feel back in control and calm about my goals. So, I won't weigh 125 by mid-June. I'm ok with that, so long as I'm done weighing more than 145!

And with that, calorie counting is back! Tomorrow's weigh in will be icky - but it's the start of a new week and I'm totally ready for it!

Today, I consumed 1385 calories, 202 carbs, 32 grams of fat, and 83 grams of protein.

Facing Facts

May 2009: The weekend I was accepted to law school.

When I started the 50n50 journey, I had a plan. First, I altered my diet.  Then, after I lost about 25 pounds, I added physical activity.

I think it was this decision that ultimately led to my success. I first became accountable for my diet and then adjusted that diet to take care of my body's needs as I added physical activity. As things progressed, I saw the importance of diet - not just in weight loss, but in fueling your body.

Getting control of the diet first was key for me. Otherwise, I know how I would have acted: "Oh I walked 5 miles today, that means I can have ice cream without feeling guilty." But by the time I was walking 5 miles at a time, I knew my body needed protein and carbohydrates to fuel itself and would snack on something that would feed those needs. (Sure, maybe it was frozen yogurt, but I chose it for the nutritional values AND the taste, not just the taste!)

Now that I've hit a new wall, I have to face facts: I can't keep losing weight by diet alone.

Sure, you might say "duh" but there are times when I'm slow to see things - especially when I'm overwhelmed with school and work. I've been watching my numbers fluctuate between 141 and 147 since the moment I hit my goal weight. And, strangely enough, it was the moment I hit 145 that winter came to Kansas City and I stopped working out. Yes, I've let my discipline slip a bit and have an extra sweet more often than I should, but that's something that should be okay at this point. If this is the eating lifestyle I want to maintain, then I've got to get the physical part in check.

And it's not going to happen today, tomorrow, or next week. I have to be realistic. Here's the thing: I am overwhelmed with school this semester and am having a really hard time taking care of my responsibilities as it is. I honestly don't think I can fit exercise into my routine. Please understand it is REALLY hard for me to admit that I can't do everything I want to do right now. Really hard.


That said: I have another plan (of course I do!). School ends in 4 weeks. And with that comes a new routine! I'll be working in Kansas City and won't have to commute to campus (about an hour) all summer. I won't be taking classes so there won't be a lot of reading assignments to finish each day and I'll probably be quitting my job. So, as soon as I take my last final, I will be back out there - pounding the ground with my books on tape and getting physical.

I just have to make it through the next month. I walk to work on the weekends and do what I can when I can, but I'm going to stop sweating my lack of sweating. I have to - otherwise I'm going to go all kinds of crazy. Priorities shift sometimes, but it's all for the ultimate goal of becoming the best version of me I can be. And that includes finishing law school!