"Yardstick ninja"

I've expressed my frustrations lately to several people and they all said the same thing. "Look how far you've come." And then they suggested that I don't need to lose any more weight. I disagree.
I don't know how else to get it through to people - myself included - but whenever I step on the scale and see a number above 145 I get pissed at myself. I didn't lose 50 pounds just to gain even a single pound back! I worked my tail off - literally - over the past year to get healthy. Whenever that scale says anything more than 145, it means I'm not healthy. 

Everyone needs a yardstick - something they use to measure themselves and monitor their status. If we don't have something to use, then we won't know when things are going well or when they are going to shit.  I chose the BMI scale as my yardstick and anything above 145 is unacceptable because that is an overweight BMI for my height.

Call me a "Yardstick ninja," but I don't want to weigh more than 145 again. It's not about where I started. It's about where I am at this moment. Maybe I don't need to get down to 125, but if you look at my weight this week (146), you'll see that I am "overweight" according to my yardstick.And that is unacceptable to me.

I don't like the idea of beating myself up over a pound. It sounds mentally unhealthy, right? But 145 is the absolute top end for me when it comes to weight. Weight naturally fluctuates by a pound or two in either direction. Because of this, I feel like I need a buffer. Do you understand? I want to feel like it's okay to fluctuate by a few pounds throughout the month (or even throughout winter!) and not feel like I'm playing yoyo with my health. I hate being healthy one day and overweight the next. I don't want to feel overweight ever again.

I feel like a broken record saying this, but clearly I still need to hear it. I've been talking about this damn buffer since November and I'm still stuck seeing numbers on the scale that make me overweight.

I'm coming to terms with the reality of my new self. As I'm letting myself admit that I hate running and love chocolate and trying to work out a lifestyle that takes these things into consideration, I am beginning to feel like myself again. I'm beginning to feel back in control and calm about my goals. So, I won't weigh 125 by mid-June. I'm ok with that, so long as I'm done weighing more than 145!

And with that, calorie counting is back! Tomorrow's weigh in will be icky - but it's the start of a new week and I'm totally ready for it!

Today, I consumed 1385 calories, 202 carbs, 32 grams of fat, and 83 grams of protein.

20 is the new 50

I told you I have a new goal weight in mind, right?

Well, here it is ...

125!!!

That's right. My Final Goal Weight is 125 pounds. Now, before you start thinking that's extreme, let me explain.

First, the healthy BMI range for my height is 107-145. So, anything over 145 is unhealthy. You've heard me talk about that before. Hovering near 145 is too close to unhealthy for me. My new goal, 125 is smack in the middle. That leaves some wiggle room for holidays, monthly visitors and fun night's out every now and then. It means I won't be scared after every splurge that the scale will call me "overweight" again. When that happens (and it has a few times lately), it really upsets me.

When Helen Fielding wrote Bridget Jones' Diary, I was excited to read about a woman who battled with her weight everyday. I read one chapter and threw the book across the room. Why? Because she was 140 pounds and complained about it. I couldn't relate. But now I can. I look in the mirror and see myself at 145 and still see many problem areas that needs work. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I look - I am more amazed at the changes in my body every day. But it's little stuff here and there. My tummy needs some definition, my gargantuan calves need to be evaporated, and my thighs need serious attention.

When I first started thinking about it, 125 seemed unattainable and scary. But that was the fat girl inside me talking. The one who is jealous of girls who are born skinny and barely have to work to stay that way. The one who used to call 125 "too skinny" out of fear and scoff at girls that weight. It was as though convincing others that 125 was too skinny would make my 195 more acceptable. Well, that's not me anymore. My inner fat girl no longer controls me!

So, I'm going to take on this Final Goal Weight (FGW) and will weigh 125 by June 29 - 20 weeks from this week's Weigh Day.

It looks like 20 is the new 50. Let 20 in 20 begin!!!

At the starting line

A brief email exchange this Weigh Day (141.2!!!) has given me the inspiration to write a blog that's been on my list since I reached my first goal weight.

Many have asked me why I want to keep losing weight. In fact, some people have expressed concerns about me losing too much weight. Sure, when you look at my before and after, it's extreme. But that's only because of where I started.

The end of the healthy weight spectrum for me is 145. If I weigh an ounce more than that, technically (according to my BMI), I'm unhealthy. While that may or may not be set-in-stone truth, it's the guide I've chosen to follow. I never want to be an unhealthy weight again. In fact, I'm mad at myself for living with an unhealthy weight for so long. I should have started fighting to lose weight the moment I crossed into "overweight" not when I realized I was "obese."
There never should have been a day in my life when I got over 145 (or it's equivalent when I was growing up).  Weighing 145 pounds is only "skinny" to me because I started at 195. My start should have come when I first hit 146.

When I look in the mirror, I don't feel skinny because I'm not - yet. I am seeing a truth in myself. Sure, 145 is awesome and I'm thrilled to be healthy, but my perspective has always different than it should have been because I've always been overweight. I'm glad that 145 isn't satisfying to me. Because one day I will look at this size as the enemy, not the goal.

It isn't about how far I've come, though I am very proud of myself. It's all about the destination. I want to be physically fit, healthy, sexy, toned and energetic.  I want 145 to be my extreme. Weighing 145 should be too much for me. And from now on, it is.

No, going from 195 to 145 was just me getting into my healthy place. It was my walk from the parking lot to the starting line. Now, the gun has gone off and I'm really starting.

Linking and Thinking More

Here is a round-up of links I've received lately ... the good ones, at least.

Can you be healthy at any size?
Women's Health is asking a question we all want answered. Is BMI really that important? Can you be healthy and still "overweight"?

Cut your Carbohydrate Footprint
The guys over at Eat This, Not That point out hidden sugars in what have become everyday "health" foods - like store-bought granola!

31 Days to Healthier Holidays
Sparkpeople has provided daily tips to get us through the next month of holiday hoopla. Hooray! They provide a nice calendar that will look great hanging on fridges or cubicle walls.

The 9 Best Winter Foods
Another winner from Eat This, Not That is a great introduction to winter fruits and veggies that might spark some creativity in your kitchen. I know it did in mine!

FINALLY!!!

Perhaps I should change the name of this blog to 50n60 ... because after 60 weeks

I DID IT!!!

That's right, Ladies (and Gentleman), when I stepped on the scale this morning it gave me one of the happiest sights of my life.

You know what this means, right? I'M "HEALTHY"!!!!

When I have more time, I'll write a wonderful recap blog (that will be after I finish the 20-page paper that is staring me down as I write even this little shorty - the paper is due tomorrow). Suffice it to say, I learned a lot about myself.

The career services dean commented on my weight loss a couple of weeks ago: “You aren't supposed to lose weight. You're in law school!” Then he sincerely congratulated me (he happens to lead the running club for the law school).

He's right, of course, law school is supposed to be your main concern when you're, you know, in law school. But I saw what the lifestyle was doing to those around me (everyone had gained weight in just 2 months of classes!) and I didn't want to risk it. So, I decided to add healthy living to the list of new skills I was learning and I'm happy to say that I've gotten pretty good at it. Now that I've reached one major goal in my life, it's time to look to another: Maintenance. Gulp.

But first, I have to finish this darn 20-page paper!!!

The next part of the plan

Ok, so here's what I'm thinking ...

My ultimate goal has always been to reach - and maintain - a healthy weight. I didn't follow any crazy diets or trends, I just focused on shifting to a healthy lifestyle. I watch what I eat. I pay attention to fiber, calcium, protein and carbohydrates. I even exercise when it fits into my schedule (I park half a mile from my classes just to get in an extra mile walk each day!).

And now, I am on the brink of FINALLY entering my healthy weight range. Despite the controversies that exist out there about the Body Mass Index (BMI), I truly believe it is a good guide for judging your weight in terms of your health.

BMI is your weight compared your height. Sure, it's not 100% in determining if someone is completely healthy, but unless you are a body builder or pregnant, it's a pretty good guide. I advocate it's the best out there for those of us without access to a BodPod. Trust me, your doctor uses it whenever she advises you on weight issues. I find that when people complain about the idea of BMI, they are generally just lying to themselves (and making excuses) about their own weight and the impact it may be having on their health. But I digress ...

I am 5'4" so, in order to be in the "healthy" range, I need to weigh between 108 and 145 pounds. Since 145 is the MOST I can weigh to be healthy, I don't want to hit 145 and stop. Instead, I want a buffer.

Wouldn't it be nice to go to the doctor, step on the scale - fully clothed, in the middle of the day, wearing my shoes - and still weigh in as "healthy"? Since weight fluctuates by a few pounds in a day - heck, it fluctuates in a week, right? - I want to lose enough to create a buffer. I never want to weigh more than 145 again. Seriously.

So, here's what I'm thinking: I will focus on losing weight down to 140 by Thanksgiving. Then, I will shift into maintenance mode in order to survive the holidays and finals. If it involves more weight loss, great! But that won't be my goal. The goal is to be 140 on January 2. Then, once I get through the holidays (hopefully unscathed!), I will re-evaluate my goals based on my numbers. Would it be too crazy to try to weight 125? Just throwing that out there.

I'll be honest, I'm really scared of what's going to happen to my weight as I try to learn maintenance. Weight loss I understand. There are millions of articles out there about how to lose weight, and I've probably read most of them. Sadly, there are very few on maintaining your current weight. So, I feel like I'll be heading down that path pretty blind.

With this plan, I have the next 8 weeks to start researching a maintenance plan. And with my buffer, I'll be able to experiment without backsliding out of the "healthy" range.

At least that's what I'm thinking ...

Whew.

Well, I didn't gain weight this week. Granted the last three days I've done a great job on my diet and working out, but this weekend I drank A LOT and ate food that wasn't spectacular. So the fact that I didn't actually gain anything is huge. Still the same weight. But am feeling and looking thinner.

My rib cage is showing again. Thank goodness. And my legs are getting muscular again. Praise Jesus.

Natalie and I had this big discussion yesterday about BMI and realistic expectations concerning size and weight. How women who are the same age (like Nat and I) can gain and carry weight in completely different ways and areas. And how we all need to go about weight loss and fitness in different ways.

The ideal body weight for my size was the weight I was when I started this (169) and anywhere from 40 lbs below that (129). I'd like to be around 155. That's 27 lbs from now. I think I can do it, it will just take time. I just have to be diligent. So here are some new revised goals since I haven't gained weight in two weeks:

Fitness Goals:
1. Run 3-4 days a week. Averaging around 15-20 miles a week. (That is until full training begins and I'm upwards of 30-35 miles a week.)
2. Yoga at least once a week. Class on Fridays. Try to do at least two more times on my own.
3. Start p90x today and see if I hate it and how sore I am.
4. By the end of the year run in two more half marathons and one full marathon.
5. Decrease my 5k time to around 27 minutes. (Yes, I'm slow, people...)
6. Improve my half marathon time by 15 minutes each race.

Nutrition Goals:
1. Cut out soda completely. Although I've already done this sometimes I slip and no frou-frou coffee drinks.
2. 64 oz of water a day. May increase my pee output, but that shall be good for me.
3. Take a multi-vitamin everyday.
4. Keep my caloric intake less than 1500 a day.
5. No more booze at promotions. Which means no more weekday drinking.
6. Eat vegetables at every meal. Have lean proteins at every meal.

Alright. Now I'm accountable for these things since I wrote them down for you all to read. So feel free to bust me on them. Off to do my first P90X workout. Thanks all!

Oh, and happy Cinco de Drinko!

Wednesday's Weigh In

Just as I feared - no weight loss this week. Weight gain by half a pound. Blech.

That puts me at 173.5 - sigh. This is one thing I wasn't focused on while not holding weekly weigh-ins: weekly weight loss!

There is a lesson to be learned, besides don't eat 150 grams of Twizzlers in one evening, and that is this: Weight loss is a marathon. Yes, the time at each individual mile counts, but it's not nearly as important as the time at the end! Another metaphor, Natalie? Yep.

I don't know what the numbers said during those 5 weeks - but I know I lost 5 pounds and I have confidence that next week will give me the numbers I'm looking for!

I'm not really sure what all of the numbers means, but I'll learn and pass it on!

Today's Super Scale Numbers:
Weight 173.5, BMI: 29.0, Water: 45.2, Body Fat: 36.7, Bone: 5.0

Another Victory

Pay attention to this one, because it is MAJOR.

I had a few minutes to kill between appointments today and decided to enter my new data into Sparkpeople to see my changes over time.

I am proud to announce (can you start the drum roll?) ...

... I AM NO LONGER OBESE!!!

That's right ... my BMI is officially 29.8 and I am now considered "Overweight" instead of the "Obese" that started all of this.




Say what you will about the validity of the BMI - and it is a very controversial measurement - I am thrilled to no end!

Sparkpeople.com qualifies the BMI statistic by saying:

There are some drawbacks to using BMI. It is not very accurate for pregnant women, people less than five feet tall, or people who have a lot of muscle mass. For most adults, however, there is a clear correlation between higher BMI and negative health consequences. Just remember, BMI is a guideline to help you decide your target weight.

My new scale also calculates BMI, but I don't remember what it said. Also, it doesn't put the BMI in perspective like Sparkpeople.com - regarding obesity and such. The Super Scale also calculates my Body Fat percentage (I don't know how, probably magic) and this is a number I am going to start focusing on as well.

The war is still raging, but this is one battle I'm thrilled to win!