I'm back! And so is my belly

I know ... it's been awhile since I blogged. And if you can't tell by the lack of posts, you could tell by my waistline. Yikes!

So here's the not-so-skinny from the past three months. Basically, I finished law school and took the Bar exam. Written in one sentence like that it doesn't seem like much, but man was it intense! The last month of law school came with finals and the pressure to do better than ever. I'd like to say I studied my butt off, but that would only be figuratively true. Oh, I studied like crazy, but my butt didn't even almost come off. Then, when I finished my last final, I turned my attention to studying for the Bar Exam. The next two months were spent binging and cramming 3 years of law school and 15 million pounds of peanut M&Ms into my mouth.

And now it's over.

And I gained 13 pounds.

I had to buy new pants - a size up - and have lost all ab sucking-in muscles.  My muffin top is world class and if I stand just so, I look pregnant. I call it my Bar Baby. I've been joking about taking maternity pictures.

But tomorrow is a new day with a new adventure! I start a temp job in the corporate world of cubicles and fluorescent lighting. It's at the world headquarters of a really big corporation and comes with a few perks - like a gym!

For the next three months, I get to wait on my Bar exam results, work an 8-5 job and enjoy free time. There is a little college graduation ceremony in there (though I graduated in Dec. the ceremony isn't until May). You know what that means? I get to put the majority of my energy into getting back on track with my weight. I couldn't be more excited!

Goodbye, Bar Baby!

"Yardstick ninja"

I've expressed my frustrations lately to several people and they all said the same thing. "Look how far you've come." And then they suggested that I don't need to lose any more weight. I disagree.
I don't know how else to get it through to people - myself included - but whenever I step on the scale and see a number above 145 I get pissed at myself. I didn't lose 50 pounds just to gain even a single pound back! I worked my tail off - literally - over the past year to get healthy. Whenever that scale says anything more than 145, it means I'm not healthy. 

Everyone needs a yardstick - something they use to measure themselves and monitor their status. If we don't have something to use, then we won't know when things are going well or when they are going to shit.  I chose the BMI scale as my yardstick and anything above 145 is unacceptable because that is an overweight BMI for my height.

Call me a "Yardstick ninja," but I don't want to weigh more than 145 again. It's not about where I started. It's about where I am at this moment. Maybe I don't need to get down to 125, but if you look at my weight this week (146), you'll see that I am "overweight" according to my yardstick.And that is unacceptable to me.

I don't like the idea of beating myself up over a pound. It sounds mentally unhealthy, right? But 145 is the absolute top end for me when it comes to weight. Weight naturally fluctuates by a pound or two in either direction. Because of this, I feel like I need a buffer. Do you understand? I want to feel like it's okay to fluctuate by a few pounds throughout the month (or even throughout winter!) and not feel like I'm playing yoyo with my health. I hate being healthy one day and overweight the next. I don't want to feel overweight ever again.

I feel like a broken record saying this, but clearly I still need to hear it. I've been talking about this damn buffer since November and I'm still stuck seeing numbers on the scale that make me overweight.

I'm coming to terms with the reality of my new self. As I'm letting myself admit that I hate running and love chocolate and trying to work out a lifestyle that takes these things into consideration, I am beginning to feel like myself again. I'm beginning to feel back in control and calm about my goals. So, I won't weigh 125 by mid-June. I'm ok with that, so long as I'm done weighing more than 145!

And with that, calorie counting is back! Tomorrow's weigh in will be icky - but it's the start of a new week and I'm totally ready for it!

Today, I consumed 1385 calories, 202 carbs, 32 grams of fat, and 83 grams of protein.

Right or wrong?

I was wrong.

Apparently, I can cast it all aside and just eat. At least that's what it seems I've been doing the past week.  In the name of "not wasting food" I have been eating leftovers from Christmas all week - in moderation, of course. But then add in the left over pecan pie I've eaten every day. And the 6 chocolate chip cookies I had for New Year's ... and it seems I'm not necessarily the fatty-snob we thought I was!

But it's all over today. I just used up the last of the mashed potatoes in pancakes and will throw away and remaining pecan pie after dinner. I won't lie - this week of excess has been tasty (though the cookies were a bit too hard for my taste and - technically - wasted calories since they weren't the texture I prefer) but I don't like how these foods have made me feel. I haven't been able to eat nearly as many vegetables as usual and I can definitely tell a difference in my energy and sleeping habits. Also, I haven't gotten my usual amounts of calcium and fiber lately and I notice a difference in other areas because of this.

Finances are still a bit tight until my student loan disbursement so I'm stuck with a lot of frozen vegetables until mid-January. Also, my protein has to come from beans until pay day. But there is a lot that I can make from my fridge. I have lots of black-eyed peas and lentils left over from New Year's Day. Plus, we have some venison sausage that was given to us in Texas.

Anyway, I digress. I stepped on the scale this morning and got a VERY unwelcome shock: 147.8. Um, that puts me back into the overweight category - and is totally unacceptable! It also perfectly illustrates the points I've made in previous posts. 1) I want a buffer that allows me to gain a bit of weight without going back to being overweight. 2) I can't let down my guard - even if "it's the holidays" - if I want to stay a healthy weight. At least not yet.

So, I guess, really, I was right. Phew. I hate being wrong. 

 

FINALLY!!!

Perhaps I should change the name of this blog to 50n60 ... because after 60 weeks

I DID IT!!!

That's right, Ladies (and Gentleman), when I stepped on the scale this morning it gave me one of the happiest sights of my life.

You know what this means, right? I'M "HEALTHY"!!!!

When I have more time, I'll write a wonderful recap blog (that will be after I finish the 20-page paper that is staring me down as I write even this little shorty - the paper is due tomorrow). Suffice it to say, I learned a lot about myself.

The career services dean commented on my weight loss a couple of weeks ago: “You aren't supposed to lose weight. You're in law school!” Then he sincerely congratulated me (he happens to lead the running club for the law school).

He's right, of course, law school is supposed to be your main concern when you're, you know, in law school. But I saw what the lifestyle was doing to those around me (everyone had gained weight in just 2 months of classes!) and I didn't want to risk it. So, I decided to add healthy living to the list of new skills I was learning and I'm happy to say that I've gotten pretty good at it. Now that I've reached one major goal in my life, it's time to look to another: Maintenance. Gulp.

But first, I have to finish this darn 20-page paper!!!