Grr is me

Things aren't going very well for me right now. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and for the first time since starting this journey I feel like I'm on a diet.

I don't know what to do to shake myself out of this funk, but something has to happen. I find myself wavering a lot. I start off doing really well and then I make a bad decision and another and another and before I know it a big snowball of crappy food is sitting inside my stomach. Actually, it's not all crappy. I have honestly learned new habits. What I'm fighting now is the occasional piece of junk and too much healthy stuff (like 240 calories of almonds today, on top of a doughnut - you see what I mean?).

I've been getting back in the habit of counting my calories and have done pretty well with that - but I've just been counting as I exceed my allowance so all it does is makes sure I know just how badly I screwed up that day.

I KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!!! I have to shake off this funk! Tomorrow's weigh day has me freaked out and I hate being in this position. I hate it.

Stupor Bowl XL

Nothing in this photo is innocent! Well, maybe the empty bowl ...

I had grand plans for last night's Super Bowl celebration. They involved a low key evening spent at home eating wings and a healthy baked version of cheese curds (we rooted for the Packers). I scrounged up enough money (literally in change) to buy some beer and that was where I'd planned on splurging in calories.

I tracked my calories until 3:30 and I was at 1241. Then, they opened a bunch of free chocolate at work. Uh oh.

And then Kevin went to the store for dog food and bought the fixins for chips and queso.

And then I lost my mind. And drank 2 beers.

Forget the beer, I was in a drunken stupor of epic proportions - totally wasted on Velveeta and Rotel.

Then, I craved something sweet and almost opened a small box of coca puffs, but reason prevailed and I went for the orange instead. Honestly, what is wrong with me?

I KNOW BETTER! More than a year of healthy eating and the past two weeks have seen me throwing it all away. Ugh.

I'm not one for drastic dieting, but after all the junk I ate last night, today I'm going au natural. It's Meatless Monday so it won't be difficult. Nothing will be processed today.

Breakfast was a broiled grapefruit half sprinkled with cinnamon and an apple.

Lunch will be mashed avocado and chopped peanuts on a bed of lettuce with a side of carrots and an orange.

Dinner is pinto beans (that I made myself, not from a can) and homemade corn bread. There might be a little processing in the ingredients for the corn bread, but that's small potatoes after the debacle of last night. And dessert will be baked apples. How's that for getting your 8 servings of fruits and veggies a day?

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm off to drink a glass of milk to help my body get rid of the remnants of Stupor Bowl XL.

Weigh Day!

Hello my friends ... guess what today is ... Weigh Day!

I lost two pounds!!!

That's right. I'm on track my ladies and STOKED!

If the walk of a thousand miles starts with a single step, then the loss of 50 pounds starts with that first one lost. Yippee!

I have to be honest, however. I was pretty surprised to see the weight loss because yesterday was a BAD DAY.

My car keys were stolen and it was a huge hassle to get that sorted and I was just so upset that I totally screwed the diet by ordering fried pickles and french fries with my dinner. Yes, I used food to make me feel better. And, as we all know, it isn't a good idea.

Being honest, I didn't feel bad (and still don't). Eating fatty foods didn't make me feel good, but allowing myself a meal to relax and not worry about potential calorie-count did help me feel better.

(As a side note, fried pickles aren't as bad for you as you might think - the pickle, unlike a potato, doesn't absorb the oil.)

Anyway, you can imagine my trepidation this morning as I stepped on the scale. And, my surprise as it stopped at ...... 193!!!

I have had some pretty low-cal days this past week so it looks like they balanced with last night's cheat. I still don't feel bad about my dinner. I felt bloated after, and the grease didn't settle well with my stomach. But I truly enjoyed the escape from the responsibility I feel in choosing "good" food.

Lesson learned? A night's escape from the diet isn't a terrible thing. However, it can't be too frequent and has to balance with several low-cal days (probably better if they are before the splurge night).


Tuesday Totals: 1,992 calories 255 carbs 72 fat 85 protein (note that it was hard to accurately calculate the calories for some of the bad foods ... I'm guess it was worse than this)