10 years ago ...

Senior year - 2000

My ten-year high school reunion is this weekend and who would have thought - I'm actually super excited about it!

Sure, I'm going alone because the boyfriend has to work. And sure, I'm not married, have no offspring, and am (only technically) unemployed because I'm still in school, but I've lost 50 POUNDS since high school! Heck yeah I'm going to this reunion!

Maybe my history isn't that well-known to my blog readers, but in fifth grade I was dubbed "Fatalie" by a jerk and the name spread like wildfire. Luckily, the fire was put out before junior high started - but the damage was already done. My self-esteem received third degree burns and I still carry the scars.

Junior year - 1999

In fact, as I type this I hear those kids taunting me with phrases like "I can see your fat jiggle when you walk!" Man, kids are cruel.

I suffered from debilitating depression throughout my adolescent years and there were days when it was a struggle to get out of bed, much less go to school. But as I grew up, they got nicer and I became more comfortable with myself and my body, but I was never proud of it.

Another episode I remember occurred my senior year. In an act of bravery, I wore a short skirt to school. I remember it specifically because it was super cute and maroon and suede. (Yes, suede. Don't judge.) I was walking down the hall during class and a guy passed me and said "Mmm, I love me a thick woman."

I was mortified! Until it was explained to me that some men consider "thick" to be a compliment. Ok, so it was nice that a guy thought I was attractive, but once I processed this I was still not happy. The thing I hated most about myself is not what I wanted others to like.

Homecoming senior year 2000

By the time I graduated high school, I was convinced that I was meant to be a size 16 forever. I told myself that it was clearly the body I was meant to have and I better get used to it. And I tried. I figured the key to happiness was coming to terms with myself as I was. There were times when I almost came to terms with my body, but deep inside I couldn't ignore the taunting voices on the playground at Farine Elementary. Those voices were part of the motivation when I started on the 50n50 journey. I was sick of hearing them and wanted those 10-year-old jerks to stop calling me names every morning as I looked at myself in the mirror.

I'm glad I never learned to be satisfied with myself as I was because then I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am thrilled to be where I am today! I'm truly happy and truly healthy - physically AND mentally!

I can hardly wait to go to tonight's homecoming football game sporting those old school colors and greet my classmates. I hope life has been just as good for them as it has for me. I am excited to see how the past ten years have blessed them and treated them.

Okay, so maybe there is a little part of me that hopes the guy who dubbed me "Fatalie" shows up ... He had the nerve to try and Facebook-friend me ... and he was perfunctorily rejected. But for the most part, I'm just excited to put Fatalie to rest and let the new me take over for the next ten years!

Fitting room fun

When I was a size 16, I was a good, efficient shopper. I would run into Lane Bryant, grab any size 16 that looked remotely good and head to the register. I considered myself a perfect size 16 and was happy about it. It meant I was one of the smaller people in the store and helped me maintain some self-esteem.

It was a different feeling, however, whenever I went to those "skinny stores." You know the ones I mean - American Eagle, The Buckle, even The Gap. I always felt like such a poser going into those stores. I felt like the sales staff was staring at me and wondering why the hell I even bothered to enter their doors.

Until now.

I went into a skinny store today and had a blast! I even enjoyed trying on different pants in the dressing room (a humiliating feeling most times!). My friend Alison and I went shopping at a sidewalk sale and wandered into The Buckle. I tried on a million jeans and played with different fits.

It was the first time in my life that I didn't choose the fitting room far away from anyone else. I even gathered up the courage to step outside into the store!

I've been having a hard time with the changes in my body. I am far from describing myself as skinny, but how much my body has changed since September hit me today.

I was so excited, that I spent $80 on ONE pair of jeans!